Father John

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

‘Oh, sister,’ said the young nun dreamily,
‘I’ve been saved.’

‘Saved? And how did that come about?’ asked the old nun.

‘Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps
the Key to Heaven.’

‘Did he now?’ said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, ‘And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation
and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.’

‘Is that a fact?’ said the old nun even more evenly.

‘At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God
would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.’

‘That wicked old b******’ said the old nun.
‘He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years !

Good, Bad, Ugly

Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It’s triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good : Your wife’s not talking to you.
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She’s a lawyer.

Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He’s involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You’re in them.

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can’t find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good : You give the “birds and bees” talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections.

Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It’s another man.
Ugly : He’s your best friend.

Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a table dancer.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.

WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

 

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE   NICKNAMES   If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.   If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.   When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.   A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .   The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument.   Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.   A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.   A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.   A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.   A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.   Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.   A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing! SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it … and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Random thoughts from people 20-35 years old

- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so  that I can tell my ownstory that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

  – Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you’re wrong.

  – I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire  with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

  – Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you  are supposed to be going?But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have  to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that noone  in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

  - I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

  – Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know”feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I  deliberately choose not to be friends with?

  – Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that  would magically fixthe problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or  message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

  – There is a great need for sarcasm font.

  – Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger andsuddenly realise I had no idea what the hell was going  on when I first saw it.

  – I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end  up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I  laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really,really gets it.

  – How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

  – I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

  – I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your browser history if you die.

  – LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

  – I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

  – Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary  smart”.

  – How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod andsmile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
 - I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up toprevent a d*ck from cutting in at the front. Stay  strong, brothers!

  – Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples,I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a  complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second  lapse)..ummm…Goonies”.

  – What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

  – While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

  – Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

  – I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

  – Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

  – I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

  – Bad decisions make good stories.

  – Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning  that just got the RedRyder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

  – Is it just me or do high school girls get sl*ttier & sl*ttier every year?

  – Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I  get so incredibly nervous?Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem .

  – You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t  doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
 - Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

  – There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too  far.

  – I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research  paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

  – “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

  – I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but  will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before  they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

  – I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!),but when I immediately call back, it rings nine  times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Throw the phone and runaway in the opposite direction?

  – I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

  – When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some  light internet stalking.

  – I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my  iTunes.

  – Why is a school zone 25 km/h? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

  – As a driver I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always  hate cyclists.

  – Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

  – I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

  – Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keysin a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the  Tail on the Donkey   – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feetaway, in about 1.7 seconds,  eyes closed, first time every time…

  – My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I  respond to that?

  – I wonder if cops ever get irritated at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

  – I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

Tannie by die Wimpy.

‘n Baie lawaaierige, onaantreklike, vet, hardegesig en onversorgde vrou met curlers in die hare en ‘n lexington in die hoek van haar mond, stap die Wimpy binne met haar twee rooikopkinders agterna. Sy skree die heeltyd op hulle. “Goeiedag en welkom by die Wimpy”, groet die deurwag. “Oulike kinders wat jy het, is hulle ‘n tweeling?” Die vet, lelike vrou spoeg haar lexington uit en gluur hom aan. “Hoe de donner kan hulle ‘n fokken tweeling wees as die een nege is en die ander sewe? Wat de moer laat jou enniewhei dink dat hulle ‘n tweeling is? Dink jy wragtag hulle lyk eenders, jou dikkop idioot?” “Nee, glad nie,” antwoord die deurwag vriendelik. “Ek kan net nie glo dat iemand jou twee keer sou spyker nie.”

The children we love

   A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

 

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

 

The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.

 

The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’

 

The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

 

 ________________________________________________________________________________________

   A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

 

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

 

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

 

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

 ________________________________________________________________________________________

    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

 

After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

 

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

 

 ______________________________________________________________________________________

   One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

 

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’

 

Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’

 

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’

 _______________________________________________________________________________________

 

    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

 

‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor..’

 

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

 _________________________________________________________________________________________

   A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’

 

‘Yes,’ the class said.

 

‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’

 

A little fellow shouted,

‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

 _______________________________________________________________________________________

 

    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

 

‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’

 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

 

A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the old age home. Claude the hypnotist
exclaimed: “I’m here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each
and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat ‘ I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six
generations ‘.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
“Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch….”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s finger and
fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces. “SH!T” said the
Hypnotist.

……. It took three days to clean up the old age home.

Terug gym toe

Vir die wat al vantevore gesukkel het om te begin met n oefen program!

Vir my 37ste verjaarsdag het my dierbare vriend, Werner, vir my ‘ n week by Virgin Active gekoop… met ‘ n persoonlike afrigter. Alhoewel ek nog ‘ n redelike goeie lyf het,van al die jare se swem vir die Universiteit span… 18jaar gelede, het ek besluit dit mag ‘ n goeie idée wees om te gaan.

Ek het die gym gekontak en ‘ n afspraak gemaak met my persoonlike afrigter, Steve. Hy het my vertel hy is 26 jaar oud, ‘ n spinning instructor en ‘ n underwear-model.

Werner was baie beindruk mt my entoesiasme om te begin oefen! Die gym het my aangemoedig om n dagboek te hou van my vordering:

MAANDAG:

My dag begin 06h00. Baie moeilik om so vroeg op te staan, was beslis die moeite werd toe ek by die gym aankom en Steve sien wag vir my. Hy is n Griekse God met blonde hare, smeulende oe, n gespierde lyf en die mooiste glimlag wat ek nog gesien het!!

Woo Hoo!!

Hy het my hartklop gemonitor na 5 minute op die treadmill. Was bekommerd oor my vinnige hartklop, ek het hom gerus gestel en verduidelik die rede daarvoor was omdat hy langs my gestaan het in sy stywe oefen klere. Hy het my aangemoedig teryl ek sit-ups gedoen het, al was my pens al klaar so seer van die heeltyd inhou terwyl Steve naby my was. Was baie inspirerend om hom te sien buk om strek oefeninge te doen!!

Gaan n FANTASTIESE week wees, kan nie wag vir more nie!!

DINSDAG:

Ek moes hele pot koffie gedrink het, maar het wel uiteindelik die huis verlaat. Steve het my maak op my rug le en n yster paal in die lug hou bo my gesig… en toe sit hy gewigte ook op die paal!! My bene was baie bewerig op die treadmill, ek het amper n hele 5 minute gedoen. Steve se mooi glimlag het dit die moeite werd gemaak! Ek voel WONDERLIK!! Dit is n nuwe lewe vir my!

WOENSDAG:

Die enigste manier om my tande te borsel, was om die tandeborsel op die wasbak te sit en my mond heen en weer te beweeg daaroor. Ek dink altwee my tietspiere is geskeur!! Om te bestuur was oraait, solank ek nie hoef te gedraai het of briek te trap nie. Ek het bo-op iemand se motor fiets gestop by die gym. Steve was baie kortaf met my, het aangedring dat my gegillery pla die ander mense in die gym. Sy stem is gans en al te ‘perky’ so vroeg in die more. Hy irriteer my!
My bors brand as ek op die treadmill klim, so Steve het my laat oefen op die “stair monster” Vir wat de fok sal iemand ‘ n masjien maak wat jou laat dink jy klim trappe? Niemand klim meer trappe nie, dis hoekom ons hysbakke het. Steve reken dit sal my help om n sexy lyf te kry en hy het ook ‘ n klomp ander kak gese.

DONDERDAG:

Steve het vir my gewag met sy Doberman-tande wat by sy dun lippies uitgesteek het. Ek kon nie help dat ek ‘ n halfuur laat was nie, dit is hoe lank dit my geneem het om my tekkies vas te maak. Steve het my laat oefen met dumbells. Toe hy nie gekyk het nie, het ek gaan wegkruip in die mans toilet.
Vir my straf het hy my op die ‘rowing’ masjien gesit…ek het gesink!!

VRYDAG:

Ek haat daai fokken Steve so baie. Dink nie een mens het al ooit n ander mens so baie gehaat in die hele geskiedenis van die wereld nie. Onnosele, maergat, anoreksiese ottergevreet!. As daar n deel van my lyf was wat nie onophoudelik gepyn het nie, sou ek hom daarmee gemoer het. Steve wou gehad het ek moes werk aan my triceps. Ek het nie fokken triceps nie!
En as hy nie gate in die vloer wou gehad het nie, dan moes hy nie vir my die donnerse barbells gegee het nie. Of enige iets wat swaerder as n toebroodjie is nie!

Die treadmill het my afgegooi en ek het op my gesig geval.

SATERDAG:

Steve het n boodskap op my selfoon gelos in sy rasperige stem wat my oordromme laat bloei het. Wou weet hoekom ek nie kom oefen het nie. Toe ek hom hoor wou ek my selfoon stukkend gooi, maar ek het niks krag gehad nie. Alles ht gepyn! Al wat ek kon doen was om my pinkie te gebruik om die tv remote te druk. Het heeldag soapies gekyk.

SONDAG:

Die kerk se bussie gaan my kom oplaai vir die diens. Gaan om dankie te se dat die week verby is en om te bid dat, Werner (die fokker) vir my ‘ n beter geskenk sal gee volgende jaar!!

Woman…

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : ‘Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?’

The husband laughs and says: ‘An Italian girl !!!’

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: ‘So, honey, how was the trip?’

‘Very good, thank you.’ ‘And, what happened to my present?’

‘Which present?’ She asked.

‘The one I asked for – an Italian girl!!’

‘Oh, that’ she said

‘Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for 9 months to see if it is a girl !!!’

 

Moral of the story: Don’t tempt a woman, they are dangerously intelligent!

Two brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well,

they decided to get married.

 

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

 

 The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

 

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

 

The wedding was lovely.

 

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,

‘I think I am going to have a little broom!’

 

‘IMPOSSIBLE !’ said the groom broom.

 

‘WE HAVEN’T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!’